THESE are personal stories, and how an individual handled their depression. IF YOUR ARE HAVING AN EPISOSDE, CONTACT YOUR DR. OR EMERGENCY SERVICE ASAP.

The following article from Nancy Foster was first posted in the Press-Telegram on May 9, 2009 (http://www.presstelegram.com/columnists/ci_12336503)

Publicizing mental illness leads to an outpouring of feelings

Posted: 05/09/2009 09:50:59 PM PDT

On Nov. 24, 2007, I turned over my column to Nancy Foster, wife of Long Beach Mayor Bob Foster.

Aware that she had spent years battling bipolar disorder and that she was outspoken about this tender subject, I invited her to use my column space and make her life, as she puts it, an open book.

The response to that column was widespread. Suddenly, people with and without bipolar disorder were discussing the subject. Everywhere she went in the community, Foster received thanks from people who were grateful for her bold approach.

Eighteen months later, I’m pleased to relinquish my column space again to talk about the turns her life has taken since going public with a topic once talked about in whispers, if at all.

Since that 2007 article, Foster has been lauded by numerous organizations for being so forthright in helping others by publicizing her own story. The “Golden Ducky” award, presented to her by the Mental Health Association, typifies the public’s appreciation she has received. The award may have a funny name, but the recipient is regarded by MHA as the Mental Health Hero of the Year.

It is my privilege to present this outstanding member of our community.

By Nancy Foster

One of the best decisions I have made in my life was that of being open about my struggle with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I have to admit that doing so was scary, and, of course, I wondered how the community would respond.

But I wanted to be of help to others. Problems related to mental illness are not easily discussed, but it is important for people with such problems to realize they are not alone.

It was with those thoughts that I decided to move forward and become an open book.

In November 2007, Tom Hennessy shared my story in the Press-Telegram. I was surprised and relieved to receive so many phone calls, e-mails, and snail mails from numerous people who expressed their appreciation.

I believe many of these people expressed a huge sigh as they read that someone else had problems related to mental illness, and that this person was now living a normal life.

The first time I attended an event after the story appeared, people came up to me, one after another. Their eyes would lock onto mine, as if they wanted to be sure I heard their every word.

They shared how the article had affected their lives in positive ways. They had plans to help friends and loved ones by sharing it with them.

I noticed something else. People were comfortable talking to me about what is usually such a private subject.

Since then, I have had many conversations with people via e-mail and in person, and have been able to offer some guidance stemming from my own personal experience.

Surprise thanks

During last year’s Gay Pride Parade, as Mayor Bob and I were walking, a lady came up and gave me an enthusiastic hug. “Thanks for telling your story,” she said.

At the Naples Boat Parade, as our gondola was about to go under a bridge, I glanced up and heard a woman yell, “Thanks, Nancy, for telling your story.”

These are small things, perhaps, but they are moments I will always remember.

For so many years, I had envisioned a room filled with people brave enough to discuss their mental-health problems. I have become more comfortable myself speaking before such audiences. I believe this happens naturally when the subject is one to which others can relate.

Now as I speak, I enjoy watching their expressions as I explain how I felt during my spells of depression, or as I touch on patterns in my life that are associated with my mental illness.

Heads shake in affirmation. Eyes widen. I am saying what they have experienced. For them and for me, it is all coming together.

Since the article, I have spoken at wellness forums and hospitals. Charter Communications, the cable company, has taped two events that can be viewed on demand.

I was also invited to speak before Sacramento commissioners on the implementation of Proposition 63, the mental health initiative approved by California voters in 2004.

West Hollywood’s Disabilities Advisory Board also invited me to speak. This made me realize that I was becoming an advocate for people with disabilities. Until then, I hadn’t considered myself in this category. But it was true. Many times during the difficult years, my illness did have a negative effect and made me disabled, difficult to cope from day to day.

Awareness of others

Having shared my story, I became much more aware of others who are depressed or bipolar. I can sense them by their behavior and by how they express themselves in their writing.

I am more mindful now of actions that are associated with mental illness. Maybe I kind of see myself in others and think, “That’s the way I used to behave.”

A few random thoughts:

Many people were surprised to hear I was dealing with mental health problems, as I am usually very outgoing.

I really get along well with others who are bipolar. It’s kind of like having a mini-party on the spot, without the cocktails.

I have learned that many people with mental-health issues also have substance abuse problems. They will self-medicate, trying to get relief from depression and anxiety. That is how addiction comes into play and is another reason why bipolar people need to get help. I was fortunate, by the way. I never turned to drugs or alcohol.

My anxiety was extreme, however. I felt overwhelmed just trying to get through a day. Simple acts became huge tasks. I was put on a new medication and responded fairly quickly. After moving to Long Beach in 1996, I began feeling like my old self again.

I am vigilant about taking my medication. This helps keep me in check. If I feel myself shifting to a downward or upward state, I take note and try to cut back on stress. This usually helps.

Exercise, I have learned, is beneficial, and positive thinking is a key to lifting my mood.

Mother’s Day thoughts

Bob and I have two sons. This being Mother’s Day, let me conclude with a few points from the perspective of a mom. I worry about children and young people, and am concerned about their mental health. This has become especially true after my own experience.

I’ve heard people say that a child couldn’t possibly suffer from depression. Not true. I have seen depression in children.

Twenty years ago, depression in children was almost unknown. Today, however, it is growing faster among children than any other age group. Children who have depressed parents also show signs at a younger age.

Trying to get a young person interested in an activity to no avail is real. Looking into children’s eyes and finding them lifeless is real as well.

Indeed, children, including teens, can be depressed. That isn’t always displayed by lack of interest or the usually depressed state. Sometimes it is exhibited by anger or acting out.

Listen to your child. Take note when there is a sudden change in mood. Look for aggression, negative attitude, even lower grades. Encourage your children to share how they are feeling.

One final note regarding my own story. A year after I shared it with the community, I heard a gentle man say, “If Nancy Foster can be diagnosed with bipolar disorder and live a normal life, so can I.”

Yes, there is life after being diagnosed with a mental health disorder.

Just ask me. I know, and give thanks.

THESE are personal stories, and how an individual handled their depression. IF YOUR ARE HAVING AN EPISOSDE, CONTACT YOUR DR. OR EMERGENCY SERVICE ASAP.

The following article from Nancy Foster was first posted in the Press-Telegram on November 24, 2007 (http://www.presstelegram.com/columnists/ci_7551478)

Tom Hennessy: L.B. mayor’s wife details her triumph over bipolar disorder

Posted: 11/24/2007 07:38:51 PM PST
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, nearly 6 million Americans have bipolar disorder.

Once more widely known as manic-depressive illness, it is a brain disorder which, says NIMH, causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy and ability to function.

Like diabetes and heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person’s life.

Once recognized, however, it can be treated and those who suffer from it can lead full and productive lives.

It is also one of those aspects of mental health from which the stigma is gradually being removed. More and more, experts in the mental health field, plus people who are bipolar, are starting to speak openly about it.

This is the story of one such person, a brave and prominent member of our community: Nancy Foster.

The wife of Long Beach Mayor Bob Foster accepted my invitation to describe her life as a bipolar patient. By doing so, she hopes to inspire others who are bipolar to become more open about a debilitating disorder that has been shared by such notable Americans as Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt and actor-author Dick Cavett.

By Nancy Foster, Special to the Press-Telegram

My depression actually started taking hold with a chemical imbalance. It was about two months after our second son, James, was born that my body started playing tricks on me.

First, my over-active thyroid was treated, but the anxiety continued and I would have spells of severe depression and feeling as if I were in a fog.

My mind would always give me a warning to be on the alert as I would start getting negative thoughts and bad feelings. This would gradually get worse until the depression set in. I would wake up in the morning with this horrible feeling. I wouldn’t want to open my eyes because I knew what was waiting for me: depression.

Depression is the ugly duckling. I have had spells in my life when the physical and mental pain of depression has consumed me. That’s what makes it so horrible. As hard as you try to get it out of your mind, it hangs inside of you and suffocates your life.

It also suffocates the lives of those around you, the people you love.

During my spells of depression, I would hide in my home. Some days would seem to go on forever. Daily chores became tremendous tasks. Easy decisions became monumental and impossible to make. Luckily, as the years have passed, I have lost touch of the oppressive feelings of depression.

Still, I have felt the hurt of the world inside of me. I hurt for people who are suffering because their lives are so difficult. Is it me hurting for them, or me realizing their hurt because of the awful depression that had been laid on my life for so many years?

The gift that depression has given me is to feel a genuine compassion for others. I have to look at the positive side of depression. I have to open up to people about my depression and bipolar disorder.

I vividly remember watching Jane Pauley on the “Today” show and wishing I could be normal, smart and enjoying life as she was doing. Years later, Jane came out with a book talking about her struggles with depression.

I realized that I had admired a lady who also had the same problem as I. Saying this, I hope, will also be of help to others.

Now, I haven’t read Jane’s book, but I can imagine what she has written. She has known the horror of depression, the mental anguish.

Depression makes you look at yourself with a keen eye. It’s a destructive eye that doesn’t do a person any favors or give one any hint of being of more value. With depression, my mind magnified each moment and endorsed my negative thoughts and feelings. I was locked in by depression at times and it was a struggle. I never showed this ugliness to others in the world, but it was shown to my family.

I was trying to take care of daily duties of caring for my family and at the same time dealing with feeling horrible and looking for a solution. At times, it was just too overwhelming.

I remember one day when my mental pain was so horrendous and I questioned if I could live a lifetime feeling like this. I really had to think about it long and hard. The idea of how I would end my life occurred to me. I realized my two boys, Kenny and James, needed me to be there for them. Days that were so difficult, the voice of their needing me always rang in my ears.

They saved my life and I knew it would be wrong to leave them.

Panic, anxiety

Panic disorder usually comes into play with depression. Wow! What a combination. Depression comes when you feel physically miserable, and makes you feel worthless. Then panic disorder comes in for the final blow and makes you feel frightened, as if you were dying.

It’s not a nice combination. I lived with severe anxiety, and it was frightening. I remember being at a grocery store and leaving a half-full cart of food as I couldn’t handle being in the store any longer. This type of anxiety can take over your life.

A couple of times, I drove my children to the store and gave them money so they could shop for groceries while I waited safely in the car. Both my sons remember this clearly and have mentioned it to me from time to time.

I remember also when I did shop for groceries and was standing in line. I would panic because I was now sandwiched. What would I do if it got so difficult that I needed to bolt and get out of the store. I was stuck.

There are times that people with panic disorder have to really manage their minds and try to distract themselves to make the time pass. With each occasion, however, comes the reinforcement of anxiety, and that’s a battle to overcome.

When I did shop for groceries, I would shop with the intention of loading up with food just in case times became tough again and it would be difficult to venture out to the market. What a great feeling to come home with lots of food and be prepared just in case.

It was always just in case, and what if I am feeling horrible or anxious and how will I manage my home or how will it be when I am with people. Somehow, I did manage, although it was difficult.

There is one day that has stayed with me. When the children were very young and I had to take my younger son, James, for his first pair of prescription shoes that needed special sizing. I made the appointment. It was important to his health and had to be done. I had cancelled it once so I had to go forward with the appointment.

I remember driving and having a feeling of being off balance, along with severe anxiety. It was hard getting the kids to the doctor that day, but I got it done and it was a huge relief. This day enters my mind time and time again.

Psychiatric help

Doctors would ask, “Are you depressed?” I would always reply, “No, I am not depressed. I just don’t feel well.”

Years later, I realized that I didn’t feel well because I was depressed. I remember the doctors and nurses telling me, “You look great.” My response always was to just put (an imaginary) bag over my head and forget how I looked.

Somehow, I always made sure that I put on my makeup and looked my best. It was my way of hiding my depression and the fact that I had a problem. My thinking was that only weak people have depression.

Pity is the last thing I wanted, and I didn’t wish to open myself up to pity in any form. I was good at hiding when I was struggling with depression.

When depression was severe, however, I wouldn’t see a doctor. It was hard to even be with myself, let alone venture out to see a doctor. I didn’t feel well and my mental state was painful. I was ashamed of the way that I felt and I knew others didn’t feel this way.

No doctor ever said to me, “Nancy, I believe you are suffering with depression.” In the late 1970s, there were articles in magazines on depression, and I started seeing the similarities in myself. I ended up diagnosing myself and saw a psychiatrist.

He was a nice, gentle doctor and he suggested I read a think book, “From Sad to Glad” by Nathan Kline, M.A. He told me I would see the same similarities in this book, and that I would be able to recognize if I had the problem of depression.

It was true. The book gave me hope. It became my friend and I read parts of it over many times.

Calm at last

I remember it was a Sunday when suddenly I realized that a feeling of leveling out had come over me, a feeling of peacefulness.

This was an emotional day, one I will never forget. The tears flowed uncontrollably as if all the years of pain were flooding out of my body. It hurt badly, but at the same time was extremely cathartic.

My depression had started at age 24, and on that special Sunday, I was 35 years old. Slowly my many years of hurting and playing the game of being “normal” became a thing of the past. Gradually, I was feeling better. I was able to cope and enjoy life without the severe bouts of depression, anxiety and spells of extreme energy, the manic phases of bipolar disorder.

Luckily for me, the manic phases have not been too destructive as is the case with some people. What makes an extreme energetic time hazardous is when it falls quickly into a spell of depression. What goes up must come down. Basically, that is what bipolar disorder is all about, and that is why medication is so important. It keeps the disorder in balance.

As time passed, I came to realize that I married a wonderful man, and that it was challenging for him not knowing if I was having a good day. This can be like walking on eggshells.

My children also had a mom who was not reliable at times and made promises she could not keep. I know they understand it was not for lack of love that these promises were broken. And I can enjoy my grandchildren, Taylor, 8, Bobby, 6, and Ryan, 3.

As you can see, bipolar and depression not only affect the person, but the entire family.

It’s important for those who have mental illness to realize, too, that they must stay on their medication. Absence of depression doesn’t signal that it’s time to stop with the meds.

One needs to keep taking their medicine to keep their mind in harmony and their life in harmony as well. It’s the same with a diabetic who takes his/her daily insulin to keep blood sugar in balance.

I end my day with a prayer: Thank God, for today. It was a good day.

With all the ups and downs of life, I can say that I am feeling life as it should be felt, and for this I am grateful.

Contact:

Ramesh Srinivasan

MedicAlert Foundation

209.669.2407

rsrinivasan@medicalert.org

Marc Kullman

National Bipolar Foundation

901.830.5004

marckullman@comcast.net

(See below for full list of contacts)

National Bipolar Foundation Joins MedicAlert Foundation to offer

MedicAlert® + Safe ‘til Stable® – a 24-hour comprehensive protection system

Program designed to benefit individuals with bipolar disorder and their families

Memphis, TN (October 14, 2009) – The National Bipolar Foundation (NBPF), founded in 2007 in order to educate, reduce stigma, and seek affordable healthcare for those people living with bipolar disorder, and MedicAlert Foundation, a leader in providing identification and emergency medical information services, have teamed up to provide a 24-hour comprehensive protection system for children, adolescents, and adults with bipolar disorder and their families through the MedicAlert® + Safe ‘til Stable® program.

Bipolar disorder is said to affect at least 1 in 100 people and some say as many as 1 in 25. This cooperative effort between NBPF and MedicAlert Foundation will have widespread impact on our society. Children, adolescents, and adults living with bipolar disorder, who are involved in accidents and unable to speak for themselves will have the MedicAlert Emergency Medical Information Service speaking for them, informing hospital staff and treating medical providers of their diagnoses, current medications in order to avoid potential dangerous withdrawal, and the acute onset of instability in regards to any symptoms of bipolar disorder. Another major benefit of the program is that when a bipolar person finds themselves in an unforeseen incident, responders will react in an appropriate manner; thus given the opportunity to defuse the situation or transport the person to an appropriate facility. It is expected that this ultimately creates jail diversion benefiting all of society. The MedicAlert® + Safe ‘til Stable® program will benefit individuals wearing the identification jewelry, reduce stress on their families, and ultimately reduce the cost of their care for all taxpayers.

“We are excited about our new relationship with the National Bipolar Foundation” said Dr. Martin Kabat, President and CEO of MedicAlert Foundation. “MedicAlert Foundation was founded by a physician to protect people in times of medical emergencies and we believe this relationship goes right to the heart of our mission and history. The National Bipolar Foundation is working to decrease the overwhelming stigma of bipolar disorder, and will also help to promote our relationship. Therefore, we are honored to have the opportunity to work in alliance with them.”

The MedicAlert® + Safe ‘til Stable® program will provide comprehensive services that can safeguard and identify individuals with bipolar disorder in an emergency. Each individual enrolled in the program will be provided with a personalized MedicAlert ID and a MedicAlert wallet card that provide emergency responders with identification information, and details on any additional critical medical conditions or life-threatening allergies. Additional information is provided to first responders when they call the MedicAlert 24-hour Emergency Response Center.

The MedicAlert® + Safe ‘til Stable® program also ensures that designated family members will be notified if an individual requires emergency medical treatment in a caregiver’s absence. Through the program, caregivers will have the reassurance that any time a person wearing a MedicAlert ID has been located or treated, MedicAlert Foundation will contact them immediately. Since most people seeing a doctor for the first time regarding bipolar disorder may be unstable, this cooperative effort will provide physicians with a new safeguard to offer patients along with the beginning recommendations for treatment.

“We are very pleased that MedicAlert has agreed to partner with the National Bipolar Foundation on this much needed program” said R. Todd Vanderpool, National Bipolar Foundation Chairman. “MedicAlert has a global reach and an excellent reputation. We feel honored to be part of a program that will help those with bipolar disorder. This cooperative effort with MedicAlert is a major step in providing a valuable benefit to all people living with bipolar disorder and this program will save lives.”

About the National Bipolar Foundation

The National Bipolar Foundation was founded in 2007 by Memphian Marc Kullman and a group of dedicated businessmen in order to educate, reduce stigma, and seek affordable healthcare for those people living with bipolar disorder. The Foundation is currently running a nationwide public service announcement on network affiliate stations and has received write-in volunteers from 38 states. The commercial focuses on reducing stigma so people will come forward and seek help. For more information, visit www.nationalbipolarfoundation.org.

About MedicAlert Foundation

MedicAlert Foundation pioneered the first medical identification and emergency medical information service in 1956 to provide people with a simple but effective method for communicating their medical conditions. Since the organization’s founding, MedicAlert Foundation has provided services and products that help to protect and save lives for its 4 million members. For more than 50 years, the nonprofit foundation has relayed vital medical information on behalf of its members to emergency responders so they receive faster and safer treatment. MedicAlert IDs alert emergency personnel to a member’s primary health conditions. In addition to its 24-­hour emergency response service, MedicAlert Foundation also provides family and caregiver notification so that members can be reunited with their loved ones. For more information, visit www.medicalert.org.

CONTACTS

Brad Champlin

Co-Founder, Board of Directors

Governmental Affairs

901.833.0225

brad@bradchamp.com

Todd Vanderpool

Chairman of the Board

Family Support Issues

901.494.2676

Todd.Vanderpool@banktennessee.com

Andre Fowlkes

Chairman, National Awareness Campaign

General Press Information

415.902.1487

akfowlkes@gmail.com

John Peters

Chairman, Technology

Technology benefits bipolar

ajpeters@otg-dss.com

Marc Kullman

Co-Founder, Board of Directors

901.830.5004

marckullman@comcast.net

Sheryl Love

Public Relations

Interview Scheduling

843.496.0432

love.shery@yahoo.com

Ramesh Srinivasan

Vice President of Business Development

MedicAlert Foundation

209.669.2407

rsrinivasan@medicalert.org

Everett Vieira

Product Manager

MedicAlert Foundation

209.669.2462

evieira@medicalert.org

THESE are personal stories, and how an individual handled their depression. IF YOUR ARE HAVING AN EPISOSDE, CONTACT YOUR DR. OR EMERGENCY SERVICE ASAP.

The following article from Nancy Foster was first posted in the Gazette Newspaper on June 10, 2009 (http://www.gazettes.com/articles/2009/06/12/community_news/doc4a30363b87e87273406798.txt)

City Embraces Initiatives To Address Mental Health

By Kelly Garrison
Features Editor

Published: Wednesday, June 10, 2009 3:41 PM PDT

Long Beach First Lady Nancy Foster says she wants to rid the community of stigmas associated with mental disorders.

Having been touched by depression and bipolar disorder, she said it took her 11 years to obtain a diagnosis. Now, she said she understands what a difference treatment makes for people struggling with such issues, some of which can lead to drug use and, at worst, suicide.

“Many times, people are ashamed to go for help and it affects their self worth,” Foster said. “This actually keeps them away from seeing a doctor and their problem continues, usually getting worse and harder to treat and to bring under control… It’s important to change this mindset so that people take their problems seriously and are more comfortable going for help.”

Mental Health Coordinator Patti LaPlace, who works for the city’s Health and Human Services Department, said she encourages community members to take action by challenging stigmas about mental health and by learning about related issues.

“We need to encourage people to reach out to public healthcare agencies, family physicians, faith-based organizations, schools and professional work environments for resources,” she said.

Information and resources about mental health issues are available through organizations, including the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (call (877) 726-4727 or visit www.SAMHSA.gov) as well as the California Department of Mental Health (call (800) 896-4042 or visit www.dmh.ca.gov).

The Long Beach branch of the National Alliance for Mental Illness hosts educational activities and monthly meetings related to mental illness. For details, call 435-2264 or visit www.nami.org.

“Our best resources in the city are ourselves,” LaPlace said. “We can all be ambassadors in our community.”

The city has taken additional steps to address mental health in the form of a new mental health coordinator as well as further efforts from local agencies in response to the stresses caused by a slow economy. On Saturday, May 9, a Mental Health Wellness Event at Bixby Park helped forward that initiative, Foster said.

Still, health officials say more work is needed.

“Major healthcare insurance programs need to provide equal access to mental health treatment as they do for physical health conditions,” LaPlace said. “We also need more mental health advocacy and anti-stigma campaigns to promote public awareness.”

That’s where Foster comes in. Since becoming first lady of Long Beach, she has gone public with her battles with depression and become a mental health advocate.

Mental Health issues aren’t limited to adults, either. Children and college students also can face depression, which is why programs such as Project OCEAN (On Campus Emergency Assistance Network) at California State University, Long Beach, have been launched.

“Parents need to listen to children who complain of feeling lonely or out of sorts for a length of time,” Foster explained. “Also, ongoing anger is another way depression is displayed in young people.”

Statistics show that one in four families include a member suffering from a mental disorder.

Adding to that is the tendency of sufferers to struggle in the wake of significant life changes or financial problems.

THESE are personal stories, and how an individual handled their depression. IF YOU ARE HAVING AN EPISODE, CONTACT YOUR DR. OR EMERGENCY SERVICE ASAP,

I’ve searched my whole life. I’ve sought a place where I won’t hurt anymore. I’ve yearned for happiness since I was a child. Feelings of being trapped in my own mental disease haunt me as I try and crawl out of this realm of depression. I sleep in numbness of thoughts and feeling, only then am I at peace. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I struggle to get out of bed. What’s the point anyway? I drag my lifeless body without a clue as to when I will get out of this pit of desolation. Suddenly today I dig into my heart to find that special light-That tiny speck of HOPE. After searching for my promise land I discover I’ve reached it. The promise was the journey, the promise is the future and the promise is right now. Everything is going to be okay. Never give up. Strength and resilience is a blessing from above. There will be a victory in every battle and we will all reach our promise land.

THESE are personal stories, and how an individual handled their depression. IF YOU ARE HAVING AN EPISODE, CONTACT YOUR DR. OR EMERGENCY SERVICE ASAP,

I was lying in bed with wide fearful eyes when Joel walked in. He started rubbing my arm softly. “What’s wrong? What do you see?” He asked. I couldn’t look at him in the eyes because in my mind I thought he was a demon. He was rubbing my arm to send me to hell. “Why do you keep rubbing my arm?” I asked. “Because I want to help calm you down. I care.” He said. My mind had traveled to the world of the madly insane? “Do you feel like you are going to have a delusion?” He asked. What Joel didn’t know was that I was already trapped in a delusion and was desperate to come back to reality. My hands were sweaty and my bare feet were ice cold. The world is ending. I’m the chosen one. I’m dying and I need to save the world from corruption. My book is going to save the world. I starting weeping. “Do you need to go to the hospital? We can cancel the book launch. We still have time. If not you can have time to get better.”
“I feel…I feel…I feel like I’m dying.” My arm fell motionless off the bed. “Did you take more medication than you were supposed to?” Joel asked. “No.” I said. I was trying to pull myself out of the delusion but it felt so real. My world of make believe was so true in my eyes of insanity. What lead me to this point? How did I get here. It’s everything, everything came crashing down. I was depressed and anxious of my book launch tomorrow. This should’ve been exciting for me but I wanted to kill myself. Hours before this moment I rushed in to see a therapist in emergency. “I was crying uncontrollably. “My book launch is tomorrow and all I want to do is put a gun to my head in front of all those people! I want to die! I just want to die!” The therapist Lily tried to calm me down. She said she would give me a doctor’s note for work. That took a huge burden off my chest because work told me that I had to many absences and if I didn’t report to work today I would get written up. Lily had me sign a non suicide contract and she called Joel to confirm the contract. In order for her not to 51/50 me I had to stay with Joel and he had to give me my medication and hide all knifes and sharp objects. Joel agreed. That’s how I ended up in his room, lying in his bed. This is was too much for me. I’m going crazy. Joel stood by my side. “How am I…how am I going to face all those people tomorrow? What’s going to become of me?” I didn’t know. It took hours before I came back to reality. Tomorrow is the launch. Tomorrow is a huge day for me. I hope I’m ready and they don’t all witness my insanity.

THESE are personal stories, and how an individual handled their depression. IF YOU ARE HAVING AN EPISODE, CONTACT YOUR DR. OR EMERGENCY SERVICE ASAP,

I never imagined that something like this could happen to me because I always felt I was so full of promise. I thought it was a huge tragedy Miss Scholastic Achiever, Latina Leader, Student Council Chairperson, and High School Prom Queen has bipolar disorder. I felt like my world was shattered in a world of insanity. “There goes my life.” I thought. It started with depression. My first suicide was at age fourteen and by age eighteen I went madly insane. My mind traveled to a land where there was no logic. I was lost in a sea of confusion but in my eyes it was the only truth I knew. I was trapped in a delusion of grandeur. I thought I was the chosen one. I was a prophet. I was going to save the world and my family wanted to kill me. My family had no choice but to put me in a mental hospital. This was devastating for me and the first step was denial. I would constantly get off my medication and was in denial for four long painful years. The result of my denial was that I was in and out of mental hospitals, dropped out of college, hurt my family, lost friends but most greatly hurt myself. Even after an embarrassing public delusion where I tore off my clothes because I thought the world was ending and had to be naked like Adam and Eve- even after a parking lot full of people witnessed me go crazy and four police cars surrounded me in the city where I grew up, it wasn’t enough for me to accept my chronic mental disorder. I came back to reality and found myself naked in handcuffs. The police officer tossed me in the back of the police vehicle and said, “She’s a regular.” I overheard my brother telling the officer, “It’s a shame. She is an honors student.” Tears cascaded down my face and I can feel the black mascara flowing down, still I could not accept that I was bipolar. My reflection in the mirror was pure hatred. I lost track of how many times I’ve tried killing myself. Bipolar disorder is an illness that changes the way you think, feel and perceive. Thoughts of death flood your mind, suicide symbolizes freedom and escape and when you’re manic it just causes a manic high but lethal behavior; things that you will regret the next day, shopping sprees and promiscuity. In my journey I learned that the true beauty of it all is that the person with all the glory is the one that knows she was always strong enough to survive the rollercoaster ride. I accepted my mental illness on April 20, 2002. It was Easter morning on my 22^nd birthday. I had just gotten liposuction. I was at the sunrise Easter sermon at my church when I had a delusional outburst. I started screaming out that I was Mary Magdalene and I fell down and had a seizer. The ushers carried me away and on that day I said, “Maricela Estrada, face it, you are bipolar and your life will go on.” The day I accepted my mental illness was the day I knew I could survive it. I haven’t skipped a day without medication ever since and suddenly my life began to change in a beautiful way. I graduated from a University, earned three scholarships and I found a fulfilling career in mental health. Now at age twenty-nine I have accomplished my dream of being a published author. My memoir, Bipolar Girl: My Psychotic-Self was released in May 2009. I am a passionate writer ready to publish my second memoir Beautiful Bipolar Bisexual along with my series of children’s books. I feel like I’ve reached my promise land. It’s definitely not in a field of daises but the sun does rise and the thunderstorm does ease away. My life isn’t perfect. I have my everyday struggles but I know I have a spirit to not falter and I will never give up. I find healing in helping people like me. It’s been a wide awaking for me. I’ve realized that dreams aren’t forsaken-in some of the most painful moments in my life, I still dream like a little girl.

My son, ( MDS) completed his police training and is now working for a security  company that works with in a middle size town in Minnesota. One day I told him about the new Medic Alert Bracelets for Bipolar Disorder and questioned if they would really be helpful. His response was amazing. He said when they come up on someone  who is confused, dazed and having behavior problems for no apparent reason , one of the first things they do is look for a medic alert tags.  He said Diabetics  have used these for years and been promptly checked for low or high blood sugars which change behavior and cause confusion.  If he was able to know at the scene the person having problems was Bipolar they would receive the care they need faster while being processed for drugs and other medical problems. It would give the emergency room team a place to start with knowing first contact information, medications taken and conditions to monitor while finding out what is going on with the patient. It’s a start.

My other son, (MWS) is a psychiatric nurse with over ten years working with in the local psychiatric hospital told me 1/3 of the people he sees daily have bipolar disorder. That’s the ones he sees at work. He said many more are out in the community living have been diagnosis and many others who live under the wire undiagnosed and untreated  Those that have public behavior problems and wind up in jail or  the hospital  and face longer  recovery times that may be avoided with more prompt response by police officers and  medical personal. He is all for the new Medic Alert Tags for Bipolar disorder. 

Get a tag. Wear a tag. Keep it updated. Police and medical personal are looking for them. Be safe. I personally like the gold one.Whiteroses1957

Thank God for real friends and good family! They have stood by me when others turned their backs on me. These people had to deal with serious behavior swings that cause rifts between others that will never be healed. They watched , supported and quietly stood by me after my wild spending sprees, behavior driven  withdrawal from others, poor work related performances which resulted in tirades against  employers and authority figurers, and medical and medication needs. I often said what came to mind and usually it was what should be left unsaid. I hurt them without meaning to because what I said maked perfect sense when I said it no matter what it was. I CAN’T WRITE ENOUGH PRAISE FOR REAL FRIENDS AND GOOD FAMILY.. They are my support team and at times my care givers who live with my problems daily.   Sometimes I’m to much for them. Sometimes they find me irritating and bothersome. Sometimes they have burn out and need to take care of themselves. Sometimes it means being away for a while. I strain relationships for those who love me.  Sometimes their family and friends don’t see why I am the way I am. The love ones don’t understand the behavior and the driving illness within me. How can they when I don’t understand it myself? My caregivers have missed work, lost free time they should have been elsewhere and have health problems of their own. My friends and family had to learn about my illness, make time for me  and learn to take time for themselves. They don’t love me less for taking time out…………they need it when they deal with me. Caregivers need to take care of themselves before they can take care of someone else. Another way they care for themselves is joining in support groups for caregivers. Currently there are no support groups for bipolar people and their care givers in our area ( rural Minnesota) but we were able to find several for depression and dependences programs which help somewhat. Perhaps one day a support group  for caregivers of  Bipolar people  will be available  everywhere.Whiteroses1957